I have hit a wall. I can’t climb over it. I can’t break it down. I have literally spent the last week just sitting at the bottom of it staring up at it. It is huge and intimidating. I wish I could say that I didn’t know who was responsible for it. Unfortunately I built it.
First I dug the footings. Then I added the rebar to reinforce it. I followed that with a 5 sack concrete mix. As the concrete set, my wall became my obstacle. It took me a week of stupid selfish thoughts about not being good enough to build it. I spent the next week as stated above pondering it.
I really hadn’t realized that it had become evident to anybody but me. Until 2 people in my life made separate comments. One of these people sees me regularly, talks to me daily and claims that I am a mentor to her. She stated that I don’t seem as excited about church as I have been in the past. The other person is a regular commenter on this blog. The comment just said that it was good to see me back.
I think that the hardest part about hitting the wall is I am not going through anything traumatic, stressful or challenging. I just don’t know my next step. It is like I have been trained for the basics and I have used them. Now I need to know the more in depth things to continue my journey but I either haven’t received the training or am not confident enough in my own knowledge to accept that role.
How do awesome writers like Heidi, Hope, Kim, Natalie, Cindy, Robin, Deleise and so many others always tie normal life back to our Savior? I really feel like that kid that is in solitary confinement that is spoon fed a little and only let out for an hour in the courtyard a day.
So as I sit here looking up at my wall and wonder what is next? I ask of you my readers to please correct my interpretations and help me see the Word as you do. I am not promising to bend but I am promising to listen and contemplate with an open mind. I think that aside from the wall the biggest factor is that I may not understand something in the way it is meant and will suffer worldwide embarrassment. I am open for that.....So Correct and Explain Away.
The good news is that when I stopped looking at how tall and big the wall was and started looking around I realized that when I built it I only built it 10 feet long. (Robin Do I get activity points for walking around it?)
Friday, May 16, 2008
The Wall
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8 comments:
My lovely friend, Theresa. You're so hard on yourself. I find that you can be very transparent in your blog posts. God IS working through you and in you. With respect to the wall, doesn't matter who erected it, or for what reasons. If you want to get over it, step into His hand and He'll give you a boost. It likely won't happen overnight but it will happen. Trust Him. Sounds like you're going through a bit of a spiritual dry spell. They end. They usually mean that He's about to use us for something far bigger and better than what He's currently doing. I love you! He loves you more.
I'm with Hope..I'm not worried about you...just quit looking at that wall and look ABOVE it! You are intimately acquainted with the ONE who is bigger than any wall you may EVER build. And yes! Get up, walk past it...you get points! (besides, you'll feel better too!) lol
Praying for your heart today!
Oh Theresa, I just love you. I really was right there where you are just a short time ago.
My one encouragement to you is to just take a step. One step a day. Before you know it, that ugly wall will be in your rearview mirror.
Such great wisdom in those comments. In those seasons of "Hello, God? Are you EVEN around anymore?" we are called to "Be still...and KNOW He is God" rather than trying to manufacture some wild feeling. Just be still and KNOW. That wall crumbles in time, and becomes a gravel road that leads you to your next adventure with the Master.
For now, when you look at that wall, just proclaim Romans 8:38! NOTHING SEPARATES US FROM HIM.
I was glad to see you back...
I think all you need to do is go back a read some of your old posts when you felt closest to God. It is to easy to forget how powerful your own words are. You right them down for times just like this.
Even if you don't feel close to Him, He is definitly close to you. Use the "silence" to let HIM teach you. Ask Him, Theresa, He will answer you, change you, and tell you great and unsearchable things!
Oh, Theresa. I have seen such beautiful growth in you! Look back over your blog and be encouraged! Everyone hits the place that you are talking about. Just keep seeking Him and it will pass. He is so madly in love with you and He is right there where He has always been. Listen to Him and feel His deep love for you. Praying for you tonight.
Good for people to know.
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